Robert Robus on coffee

Before I begin, allow me to emphasize that I am extremely fond of coffee. While at first one may assume that this state of affairs would be likely to bias anything I might say about the subject, I assure you that this is not the case. In fact, I assure you that I, Robert Robus, shall remain rigorously objective in my analysis.

Now, let us begin. Coffeedrinkers have more sex than non-coffeedrinkers. Fact, rumor, or fiction? Is there indeed a link between the regular ingestion of this popular caffeinated drink and the tendency to engage quite frequently in copulation?

Why, it is a fact, of course! Look at me: why, I drink coffee night and day, and I also (not incidentally, I assure you) engage in certain other activities not as likely to be mentioned in mixed company--and with astonishing frequency, mind you!

Case closed. Kindly return another day for more illuminating analysis, as well as numerous upcoming ridiculous narratives, from as distinguished a humorist as I, Robert Robus!