Robert Robus on trousers

Although I am much too lofty a personage very often to cast an eye toward the subject of trousers, from time to time even I, Robert Robus, find myself compelled to buy more pairs--chiefly for the reason that they have split their seam in a region which it scarcely remains within the bounds of decorum to mention. At such junctures, I find myself making my way to the tailor's, where I make discreet inquiries into the latest cuts of cloth that would be of sufficient calibre to clothe such a distinguished personage as I, Robert Robus.

As it happens, I took a bit of a spill from my phaeton the other Saturday, and soiled my last good pair of trousers. (I suspect the dame I had been pursuing at great speeds in said vehicle to have deposited a stone directly in the pathway of the vehicle's glorious wheels, but proof of this is not currently within the possession of I, Robert Robus.) So now I am on my way to visit old Henry, the village tailor: for old Henry, don't you see, knows the precise dimensions of I, Robert Robus.

Here I am at his dwelling now. Oh, Henry! It is I, your favorite and most distinguished client!--It is I, Robert Robus! Come, now: don't be coy with me--I shan't hurt you, you sly carl! While it is true that I comported myself in a decidedly cheapskated manner the last time I patronized these quarters, I assure you this will not prove to be the case a second time; indeed, this time I, Robert Robus, will not depart before providing you ample remuneration for the garments you have no doubt painstakingly fashioned for such a distinguished personage as I, in response to that telegram I sent to you this morning, and. . .What? Are you calling me a lout? Have you not just deemed me a vile, worthless sludgesucker to this very visage? Who dost thou think thou art, thou churlish, loggerheaded, urchin-snouted bum-bailey? Farewell!
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Please return another day for more from the desk of your favourite cyber-comedian, Robert Robus.