The musings of Robert Robus

Saturday, August 25, 2007

In which Robert Robus hatches a fantastical plot to woo a dame

Why, hello, dear readers, and welcome once again to the world of I, Robert Robus (the world's most magniloquent--and therefore also greatest--cybercomedian). I am here today in an attic, setting forth to hatch a plan in which I shall undertake, by fantastical and utterly non-quotidian means, to woo a dame. And while I, Robert Robus, have yet to determine which dame I shall undertake to woo, suffice it to say that she will probably be young, attractive in a tasteful way, and (last but perhaps not least in importance) in possession of a bosom decidedly ample in size.

But how, one might ask, might an exceedingly timid, retiring, and utterly gentlemanly man such as yours truly possibly hope to woo such a dame as I have described? Good question, dear readers! But of course, as you must certainly have ascertained by this juncture, I, Robert Robus, am an exceedingly clever and likable man; and, while not all aims can be obtained through pure cleverness and likability, I ensure you that. . .ummm. . .most of them certainly are. And this. . .ummm. . .definitely includes the procurement of incredibly attractive dames.

Now, let's see. . .shall I, Robert Robus, start off the affair by purchasing a dozen scented roses from my local florist? Yes, I shall. Shall I then prick my pinky with one of the thorns and write a love letter with the resulting substance? --No, that is perhaps a bit creepy. Shall I send a team of singers to sequester the young dame with a rendition of "You're the One that I Want," subsequently have a hired man rush the scene with a bottle of pheromones and a banner which shall read "Your Rosy Cheeks, and Certain Other Traits Both Fleshly and Spiritual, Most Assuredly Make You Worthy of the Deepest Adoration by the Most Prestigious of Sirs," and finally storm the scene in a tuxedo and roller skates to present the dame in question with a warm-out-of-the-oven blueberry-banana cream pie?

Why, yes! That is exactly what I, Robert Robus, shall do.

Now, let I, Robert Robus, check in with my associate.

Pulls out walkie-talkie.

Hey, Benson. . .how are you doing on locating. . .what's this? --You say you've already located a suitable dame? Oh, wonderful, ahnd. . .No, no, there are no upper limits on the size of the bust. . .no, my friend, that should be just fine! --All right, then, good sir. . .do not delay in summoning the singers, and tell the hired man to get the scents and banner ready. And at this, I, Robert Robus, shall now proceed with the elaborate wooing plot which I have just hatched (and for which, mysteriously, all the preparations seem to have suddenly evanesced into place)! All systems go, ahnd--

In tuxedo and roller-skates, Mr. Robus happens to "cross paths" with a banana peel; slips; and promptly sheds consiousness.

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The best-laid plans of mice, men, and world-famous cybercomedians extraordinaire often go awry.