Reflections upon visiting an ultra-liberal grocery establishment

First of all, allow I, Robert Robus, space to avow that I, Robert Robus, am attempting to pahss myself off as a well-bred English gentleman. Additionally, let it come to light that I, Robert Robus, recently visited a city-renowned bastion of ultra-liberal grocery paraphernalia in order to slake his thirst for novelty. Now, by no means do I, Robert Robus, constantly surround myself with purple-hair-dyeing, hemp-wearing, organic-produce-snarfing individuals; and so, upon entering this establishment, I, Robert Robus, must confess that I alacritously found myself in a state of utter confoundment and disorientation. My habitual company is by no means hawkish; and yet, finding myself amid these Gruyère-snarfing ultraliberals, I, myself (Robert Robus) felt like John McCain on uppers.

What a strange experience! Oh, the French names, 'fine' cheeses, and organic products (oh, and let's not forget the 'sophisticated' wines) that suddenly flooded my vision; the individuals of European ancestry clad in dreadlocks; the dyed hair, the peace signs, the 'don't worry, be happy' vibe of it all...I just don't know what to make of such lunacy! Why, by Jove, when I was a boy, I was taught to comb my hair ten times a day, pick flowers for the girl down the street, and do my schoolwork. Then, in ten or fifteen years, I would get married to a well-behaved young secretary from my home town who had kissed only one other boy in her life (and not on the lips!), and I would walk out the door with my briefcase every morning, ahnd...

Well, at any rate, the world certainly appears to have altered somewhat since those days; and yet the trendy norms that seem to pahss for good sense these days seem to consist predominantly in the doctrine that it is never--that's right, never--justified to defend yourself, even against aggressive foes who actively seek to slay you.

I, Robert Robus, must comment, however, that such a notion strikes me as rother rustic (especially considering the global spread of newly-disembarked extraterrestrials armed with bazookas, who rule over their kith and kin with said bazookas, and wish to subject the rest of the world also to this bazooka-ist ideology--but of whom we have never heard, owing chiefly to a worldwide conspiracy to hide this information) and perilous; but I am cut from old cloth, and by mere accident seem to have retained this strand of moral fibre which permits me to provide such commentary. You people should be rother worried than not, I tell you!

Consider yourself apprised--by I, Robert Robus.
Jove bless.