In which Robert Robus reveals his abhorrence of sofas

At this juncture, I must reveal that I, Robert Robus, abhor those soft amalgamations of fabric and frame commonly known as "sofas"-- unless, of course, I happen to be curled up on one with my girlfriend's arms around me, and have just consumed, with said girlfriend, a pizza procured from the local Gumby's. For I, Robert Robus, while being (needless to say) a highly civic-minded gentleman, at the same time also possess a curious proclivity for intimacy, with those few rare persons I happen to adore.

Now, of course, this girlfriend (of whose identity I am not necessarily, at this juncture, certain) would have to be someone tough, and indeed nigh unyieldingly stubborn: for I, Robert Robus, desire no shallow soul easily taken in by promises of victory, nor lured by the mere certainty of sweet kisses shared. No: for I, Robert Robus, am looking for far more than that in a lifelong mate--for surely, many challenges lie ahead, and I desire someone strong who is willing to face those challenges, with me--bearing sword--by her side. In fact, I, Robert Robus, have always been excited by imperious women--especially, I now find, when she be imperious of soul. And I, Robert Robus, wish to conquer the heart of an exceptionally strong woman: for that is the biggest challenge, and most worthy reward, of all in existence.

And so I inform the world that--under ordinary circumstances--I, Robert Robus, am implacably hostile to sofas. For they have been complained on for centuries; they have been the site of many injustices; and, frankly, the very sight of one bores me to death--unless, again, my pretty-eyed dame be there, perched over me in splendor as I sink to my knee before her, and says she will be my wife.

But perhaps I grow too sentimental. The world is a cold place, and I a young man with scarcely a penny to my name. What makes me think I could conquer an office-desk, let alone a woman and her mind? The course of a person's existence--we each get but one--is unpredictable, and we must grow neither complacent, nor unduly proud. For indeed pride, while certainly tempting for such men as I, in the end conquers less than loving patience. And--in thinking these matters through--I find that one further disclaimer is required: that, being of British descent, I, Robert Robus, would only wish to ply said patience on the soul of a British girl; for the British nation is the proudest, and most blessed, among all the nations of earth.

And so, on this fine evening, I bid my readers adieu. My advice--should the reader wish to take it to heart--is: Have a good holiday; treasure your parents' counsel and wisdom; and at least do me the favor of tucking me into the back of your mind for the night. Have a good meal, G-d bless you, and be safe, warm, and sensible.

Affectionately,
Robert Robus

P.S. Not too "sensible," sweetheart.