In which Robert Robus hatches a fantastical plot to woo a dame

Why, hello, dear readers, and welcome once again to the world of I, Robert Robus (the world's most magniloquent--and therefore also greatest--cybercomedian). I am here today in an attic, setting forth to hatch a plan in which I shall undertake, by fantastical and utterly non-quotidian means, to woo a dame. And while I, Robert Robus, have yet to determine which dame I shall undertake to woo, suffice it to say that she will probably be young, attractive in a tasteful way, and (last but perhaps not least in importance) in possession of a bosom decidedly ample in size.

But how, one might ask, might an exceedingly timid, retiring, and utterly gentlemanly man such as yours truly possibly hope to woo such a dame as I have described? Good question, dear readers! But of course, as you must certainly have ascertained by this juncture, I, Robert Robus, am an exceedingly clever and likable man; and, while not all aims can be obtained through pure cleverness and likability, I ensure you that. . .ummm. . .most of them certainly are. And this. . .ummm. . .definitely includes the procurement of incredibly attractive dames.

Now, let's see. . .shall I, Robert Robus, start off the affair by purchasing a dozen scented roses from my local florist? Yes, I shall. Shall I then prick my pinky with one of the thorns and write a love letter with the resulting substance? --No, that is perhaps a bit creepy. Shall I send a team of singers to sequester the young dame with a rendition of "You're the One that I Want," subsequently have a hired man rush the scene with a bottle of pheromones and a banner which shall read "Your Rosy Cheeks, and Certain Other Traits Both Fleshly and Spiritual, Most Assuredly Make You Worthy of the Deepest Adoration by the Most Prestigious of Sirs," and finally storm the scene in a tuxedo and roller skates to present the dame in question with a warm-out-of-the-oven blueberry-banana cream pie?

Why, yes! That is exactly what I, Robert Robus, shall do.

Now, let I, Robert Robus, check in with my associate.

Pulls out walkie-talkie.

Hey, Benson. . .how are you doing on locating. . .what's this? --You say you've already located a suitable dame? Oh, wonderful, ahnd. . .No, no, there are no upper limits on the size of the bust. . .no, my friend, that should be just fine! --All right, then, good sir. . .do not delay in summoning the singers, and tell the hired man to get the scents and banner ready. And at this, I, Robert Robus, shall now proceed with the elaborate wooing plot which I have just hatched (and for which, mysteriously, all the preparations seem to have suddenly evanesced into place)! All systems go, ahnd--

In tuxedo and roller-skates, Mr. Robus happens to "cross paths" with a banana peel; slips; and promptly sheds consiousness.

[BLOG ADMINISTRATOR]

The best-laid plans of mice, men, and world-famous cybercomedians extraordinaire often go awry.

Robert Robus, his blog administrator, and Bates blow time at Lake Robus

Robert Robus: Why, hello, dear readers, and welcome to another post in the magniloquent life of I. I'm here at Lake Robus, in the middle of Robus County, where peacefulness and tranquillity prevail, and where I have a small cabin which I tend to visit in the company of dear friends--such as, for example, my blog administrator and Bates. (Tartar was going to come, but, as per his report, he had many doughnuts which it was on his itinerary to consume.)

Blog administrator: What Mr. Robus says is true: I often accompany the cybercomedian to Lake Robus.

Bates: Eep eep!

Robert Robus: Thank you for your commentary, fine gentleman and monkey.

Blog administrator: I am not nearly as sagacious, nor nearly as eloquent, as thou, Mr. Robus, but if I may put in a few words from time to time, I will consider myself well served.

Robert Robus: Be quiet. I'm trying to get on the Internet to access Benson Mooney's daily radio show, which--if I be not mistaken--is currently streaming live.

Blog administrator: I thought you came here for the express purpose of escaping the modern world, and of emancipating yourself from technology.

Robert Robus: That is, indeed, the case. Nevertheless, I seem to have brought this laptop here by accident, and--equally accidentally--it appears to get Wi-Fi here in Robus County. . .on something that appears to be nomenclatured the "Robus Network."

Blog administrator (aside to audience): I think we all know who set up the network.

Robert Robus: I am the greatest cybercomedian in history.

Blog administrator: I'm the greatest blog administrator in history. What's your point?

Robert Robus: That I am the greatest cybercomedian in history. That I deserve a lifetime achievement award for my one year-plus of superlative blogging service. That, when Jove manufactured me, he broke the mold, leaving me to be the finest comedic blogger ever to bash fingertips on plastic. That you, my friend, are eminently lucky to serve as blog administrator to someone so great as yours truly.

Blog administrator: I couldn't agree more, Mr. Robus. I hang on your every word.

Robert Robus: Jove bless you, good sir.

A pause.

Bates: Eep eep!

Robert Robus: Yes, we shall now go swim in Lake Robus, dear monkey; and, although I shall not remove either my detective coat or my fedora for purposes of entering the water nor propelling myself through it, I hereby assure you, my dear readers, that the affair shall go swimmingly.

Blog administrator: What about Benson Mooney?

Robert Robus: Sorry, my good sir. . .but what Good Monkey Bates says, almost without exception, goes.

Blog administrator: Does that mean for dinner we'll be eating five banana cream pies between us again tonight?

Robert Robus: My sources say 'affirmative.'

With this, Robert Robus bursts from the cabin--blog administrator and Bates in hot pursuit--and the three scintillating companions splahsh into the lake as if there is no tomorrow.