Reflections upon visiting an ultra-liberal grocery establishment

First of all, allow I, Robert Robus, space to avow that I, Robert Robus, am attempting to pahss myself off as a well-bred English gentleman. Additionally, let it come to light that I, Robert Robus, recently visited a city-renowned bastion of ultra-liberal grocery paraphernalia in order to slake his thirst for novelty. Now, by no means do I, Robert Robus, constantly surround myself with purple-hair-dyeing, hemp-wearing, organic-produce-snarfing individuals; and so, upon entering this establishment, I, Robert Robus, must confess that I alacritously found myself in a state of utter confoundment and disorientation. My habitual company is by no means hawkish; and yet, finding myself amid these Gruyère-snarfing ultraliberals, I, myself (Robert Robus) felt like John McCain on uppers.

What a strange experience! Oh, the French names, 'fine' cheeses, and organic products (oh, and let's not forget the 'sophisticated' wines) that suddenly flooded my vision; the individuals of European ancestry clad in dreadlocks; the dyed hair, the peace signs, the 'don't worry, be happy' vibe of it all...I just don't know what to make of such lunacy! Why, by Jove, when I was a boy, I was taught to comb my hair ten times a day, pick flowers for the girl down the street, and do my schoolwork. Then, in ten or fifteen years, I would get married to a well-behaved young secretary from my home town who had kissed only one other boy in her life (and not on the lips!), and I would walk out the door with my briefcase every morning, ahnd...

Well, at any rate, the world certainly appears to have altered somewhat since those days; and yet the trendy norms that seem to pahss for good sense these days seem to consist predominantly in the doctrine that it is never--that's right, never--justified to defend yourself, even against aggressive foes who actively seek to slay you.

I, Robert Robus, must comment, however, that such a notion strikes me as rother rustic (especially considering the global spread of newly-disembarked extraterrestrials armed with bazookas, who rule over their kith and kin with said bazookas, and wish to subject the rest of the world also to this bazooka-ist ideology--but of whom we have never heard, owing chiefly to a worldwide conspiracy to hide this information) and perilous; but I am cut from old cloth, and by mere accident seem to have retained this strand of moral fibre which permits me to provide such commentary. You people should be rother worried than not, I tell you!

Consider yourself apprised--by I, Robert Robus.
Jove bless.

A walk in the lane with Ayvana

Allow it to be noted that the conspicuously attractive female attendant of I, Robert Robus--Ayvana--is amply and conspicuously attractive. And, while everything that glisters is not gold, I assure you, my readers, that Ayvana most surely is: for she displays only the most obsequious solicitude and docility in the face of any requests from I (Robert Robus), her distinguished attendee.

The opinions of I, it should of course be manifestly clear to anyone who peruses this blog on a quotidian or quasi-quotidian basis, are one and the same as The Truth: for I, Robert Robus, am equally immune to the common (but ultimately, to me, non-understandable) failings of mendacity, and of holding mistaken beliefs. And Ayvana, for her part, amply assures me of my infallibility on at least an hourly basis--isn't that right, sweetheart?

Ayvana nods plethorially.

Ah, yes! And now, it will be noted, Ayvana and I shall embark upon a short stroll in the lane: for at this very moment the weather is propitious for such an activity; and--in addition and verily--I do believe the black locusts are in bloom. Indeed, all is well in the world: for the flowers smell sweet; the funnel cake I crammed into my gorge this fine morning was delicious; the air is of a temperature which yields close to a maximum number of hedons of pleasure as my female attendant and I stroll through it (and, by the way, did I, Robert Robus, neglect to note that said female attendant is incredibly and incredulously attractive?); and my library of books by and on Epicurus is intact. Without deigning to check the news, I, Robert Robus, endeavor to assure you that there are no evil world leaders calling for the destruction of any other nation; and furthermore, were there such an evil man calling for others' destruction, he would surely be shunned by the world community, and the regime of which he were a part undoubtedly quashed.

Indeed, I, Robert Robus, hereby assert that neither immorality, nor complicity in injustice, exists in the world. But one thing I can assure you of, dear readers, is that Ayvana's lips are rubicund; that I, Robert Robus, find her rather sizzling; and that, had I not been betrothed to my bedstand before birth, I would wish said attractive female attendant to be my dame.

Allow I, distinguished personage Robus, lahst of all to assert to my conspicuously attractive female attendant, Ayvana, that the Beach Boys are the favorite band of he. The rest of this narrative, it will be clear, must be censored; but I assure you that, whatever assumptions you have no doubt already made about the nature of the activities that are set to transpire under wraps of this omission, I, Robert Robus, would find them positively tame.

CUT TO STATIC

Robert Robus's reflections on having had the privilege of pontificating in the blogosphere for more than a year

Dear Readers,

It has now been more than one annum since first I posted to this the first-rate blog of I, Robert Robus. I started out pontificating about coffee and its relationship with coital exploits; and, as I'm sure readers have noted, it's only been uphill from there. (It must seem amazing to contemporary readers that it be possible to only ascend from the very summit of comedic greatness; but, as I'm certain I have instantiated, in the world of I, Robert Robus, anything is possible.) During my first year with you, I have missed trains; refrained from consuming pies; discussed bears--and other matters whose degree of gravitas is exceeded only by the grave tragedies of Plautus--with my good friend Tartar; and, in sum, pontificated.

And, as I reflect back upon this pahst year, I must say that I, Robert Robus, am great. For who else would bring forth such musings, or be a willing participant in such ridiculous narratives, as I, Robert Robus? I am indeed one of a kind; and, Jove, I swear to you now that, when they made me, they broke the mold. For I am a vaunted cybercomedian who combines all the finest attributes of Englishmen, American gentlemen, and classical men of profound and insidious learning. You know, it's been quite a sojourn thus far; and, although my propensity for churning out first-rate, top-caliber comedic ambrosia has diminished somewhat in recent months, I, Robert Robus, assure you that I, Robert Robus, shall continue in the same vein the content you've come to know and love, as loyal readers of the blog of I.

Please join me, my good friend Tartar Smith, my conspicuously attractive female attendant Ayvana, and others, as we embark on our second glorious year in cyberspace. Thank you, good ladies and sirs, for perusing my blog, and may blessings be upon you; additionally, may the contents of the archives be in future months clogged with more crystalsugar goodness than that of which any Tom, Dick, or Cranston could ever conceive (without the help of such outrageous cybercomedians as I, of course); and may Jove continue to bolster this blog.

Sincerely,
I, Robert Robus