On my own brilliance as a comedian

Everyone says I am brilliant. How brilliant, you ask? Well, as I have said repeatedly throughout the annals of my stupendiferous blog, "The Musings of Robert Robus"--the very blog which you happen to be perusing at this instant--I am the greatest cybercomedian ever to walk the face of the earth. There has never been a cybercomedian like I, Robert Robus, and there will never be another cybercomedian as fine as I for the rest of the course of human history.

The casual observer may object that this is rather grandiose talk coming from someone such as I. After all, I have only been maintaining this magnificent blog for a year and a half, and have as yet attained a popularity which is but semisoaring at best. And yet I, Robert Robus, assure you that everything I have said with regard to yours truly is absolutely veracious, and will stand the test of weathered time, with a firmness that can only be said to be shared by Roman columns.

But what are the costs, one might ask, of being so assured as I, Robert Robus? Well, for one, when one is completely, utterly and unequivocally convinced of one's own greatness--and furthermore of the unstinting veracity of one's views--one cannot help notice that one's truthful pontifications scare away many a potential companion--most often for the reason that said potential companion, when his opinions conflict with those of I (and are therefore, ipso facto, completely and irredeemably false), there seems to ensue almost invariably an irreconcilable argument. (In fact, my good sir, that man you saw me defenestrate from my sixth-floor study not two hours past seems to have caused such a situation.)

But, no matter: I, Robert Robus, am a great man, with accurate opinions, a penchant for high-flown speech, and a spectacular comedic sweep. Thus, I count myself by far the best cybercomedian conceivable; and people who can't see the truth be damned!

In which MacFarlane and Robert Robus "engage in dialogue"

Robert Robus: It is I, Robert Robus; and I am here with my new friend, MacFarlane. It is the quotidian dyooty of MacFarlane to snag mutts.

MacFarlane: How do you do, good sirs and madams? I'm pleased to be participating in such a world-preeminent blog as that of Mr. Robus. And, while I do consider myself a dog-catcher, you can be assured that there's much more to yours truly than carting curs off to the pound.

Robert Robus: Like, for example, your decided root beer-quaffing proclivities.

MacFarlane: Yes, yes, good sir--yes. I also have other interests, though.

Robert Robus: Namely, you like to let aggressive curs exercise free rein quite plethorially.

MacFarlane: Why, yes, good fellow Robert. . .While I probably should not let my boss know about such proclivities, I will admit that I think it cruel to control dogs excessively. Even highly aggressive ones.

Robert Robus: Which do you think are superior--dogs or humans?

MacFarlane: I have no opinion on the matter. While, certainly, it is clear that humans have an astonishingly high capacity for destruction and cruelty, whereas meanwhile dogs are largely peaceable creatures who live in harmony with their environment (and do not try ceaselessly to manipulate it to their advantage, thereby destroying it beyond repair), I must say: No comment, Next question please.

Robert Robus: Fair enough, good sir MacFarlane. Now, how do you opine about oatmeal?

MacFarlane: I cogitate that, whatever its relation to other foods, it is clearly far superior to doughnuts.

Robert Robus: You are quite right, good sir. But hwy the immediate comparison to doughnuts?

MacFarlane: Why, whatever do you mean, sir?

Robert Robus: I mean, why didn't you compare the virtues of oatmeal to those of, say, kumquats? Or, for instance, roasted barley?

MacFarlane: The only person in the world to have ever ingested roasted barley, my dear Robus, is that horse inside of which hid Stephen Hawking.

Robert Robus: Why, you, good sir MacFarlane, are obviously a regular reader of The Musings of Robert Robus (the greatest blog in the world), I dare say!

MacFarlane (eyes darting around room): I have no idea what you are talking about. I have never perused any blog entitled The Fusings of Mobbert Sobus, or a blog of any other name. I do not know you, nor do I recall ever reading, on a computer screen or anywhere else, anything about a rascal named Tartar snarfing dentifrice. In fact, until that last comment you uttered, I was not even aware a single blog had existed. What is a "blog," Mr. Robus?

Robert Robus: Very funny, MacFarlane. Quite clearly you (my good sir) are a regular reader of my regularly scheduled pontifications. Congratulations.

MacFarlane: Again, Mr. Robus, I have no idea what exactly it is you are talking about.

Robert Robus: Never mind; all I care about, good friend MacFarlane, is that I catch you on my site often, almost constantly, and repeatedly. And it is on this point, dear readers, that I spiritedly bid you adieu for today. Keep your many letters of extreme and unbounded praise coming to my inbox; continue to let many people catch you reading my blog; and remember, individual Robusionados: you are each just one in a garagantuan, screaming worldwide fan-base to the pompous, bombastical, universally-touted rock-star cybercomedian commonly referred to by people such as I (in my quotidian vernacular) as "yours truly." And with that, I bid you farewell.

[NOTE FROM BLOG ADMINISTRATOR]
Yes, everybody--Robert Robus really is (cough) that popular. People the globe across may claim in public never to have heard of the gentleman; but they are (cough) prevaricating.